Struggling to Maintain Friendships Due to Autism: Suggestions for coping strategies?

Trust me, I've been there, living with autism and feeling like it's hurting relationships. Sometimes it seems like friendships are slipping through our fingers, leaving us feeling lonely and misunderstood. But it's important to remember that it's not all doom and gloom. You can manage those tricky situations and build meaningful connections.

Here are some common patterns that autistic folks might face when trying to maintain friendships, and some advice on how to navigate through them:

The "Too Intense" Pattern

Ever been branded as "too much"? If so, you might resonate with the "Too Intense" friendship pattern. Autistic people tend to form intense, deep connections marked by a high emotional investment and frequent communication. This intensity can manifest in both our emotional connections and the manner in which we express our care for others.

"When I meet new people, I feel an intense desire to be friends with them. My intense behavior and neediness can appear overly intense and almost possessive."

Consider balancing your enthusiasm with your friend's capacity for interaction. Take note of how often they initiate contact and try to match their frequency. Give space after sharing something exciting, allowing your friend to respond before sending more messages. Set designated times or spaces for sharing your interests deeply, like a weekly game night or specific chat group. Ask friends directly if they have the energy to hear about your interests before launching into them. Take a step back or change the subject if your friend indicates it's needed.

The "Masking Exhaustion" Pattern

This pattern is my personal favorite and is a common experience for many late-diagnosed autistic people.

Autistic masking (or camouflaging) is the attempt to hide or suppress autistic traits in an effort to fit in and appear more neurotypical. Novel friendships often start because we mask in a way that helps us fit in. We repeat the correct phrases, force facial expressions, and pretend to have similar interests to others.

But masking eventually backfires. It's essential to unmask and be your authentic self. Let yourself stim in small ways during conversations, take brief breaks from eye contact while talking, begin saying "I need to think about that" instead of giving immediate social responses, and bring up your genuine interests.

Renewing your friendships requires courage and time, but ultimately creates deeper, more sustainable connections.

The "Honesty Backfire" Pattern

Ever gotten offended when a friend asked for your opinion and you gave an honest answer? You might resonate with the "Honesty Backfire" pattern. Autistic people prefer direct communication and value honesty in their friendships. However, what we intend as helpful honesty can sometimes be perceived as harsh or unkind by neurotypical friends.

Learn to distinguish between requests for honesty and requests for support. Ask "Do you want my honest feedback, or would you like emotional support?" Before giving detailed feedback, start with something positive. If unsure, try saying "Would you like me to share what I think about this?" Practice offering observations rather than judgments. Make it clear that you tend to be direct in your communication and seek feedback when asked.

The "Sidelines" Pattern

Have you ever felt excluded? You might relate to the "Sidelines" pattern. Hierarchies can make it challenging for autistic people to feel included, and we may end up being physically present without really being a part of the group. We may feel hurt, but instead of confronting the issue, we may fall further into our roles on the sidelines. Unfortunately, this keeps us from building meaningful connections.

If you feel there is value in the friendship and the potential for more, put some effort into feeling more included. Connect with one person in the group you feel closest to, express that you feel overwhelmed in groups and would like to be more involved and ask for help to feel more included. Or plan your own events and invite the group to show you want to be part of the group.

If you've ever left a gathering feeling completely spent, you might understand the "Social Withdrawal" pattern. In situations like this, we might become very withdrawn, and quiet, and stop contributing to conversations. This can sometimes be interpreted as rudeness or disinterest, resulting in not being invited to other events and damaging friendships.

Establish clear boundaries around your social energy from the start of friendships. Say upfront that you need time to recover after socializing. If you're in an overwhelming social situation, take some time alone to recharge. When you feel overwhelmed, it's okay to leave without extended goodbyes. With your friends, try opening a conversation about your social needs, letting them know that you value their friendship and want to make sure you're on the same page.

The "Misreading Signals" Pattern

Autistic people can struggle to interpret subtle social cues, leading to misunderstandings and lost friendships. Learn to create clear communication channels with your friends. Ask for explicit clarification when you're unsure about something. Find a trusted friend who can help explain social situations you don't understand. Be honest about your difficulty reading subtle cues. Make it clear that you might miss social cues or take things literally, and ask others to be direct with you.

Building friendships can be tough, but understanding these patterns and being intentional about your communication style can help you maintain healthy, strong connections. Together, we can create more inclusive, understanding communities that value each individual's unique perspectives and strengths.

References

Mazurek, M. O. (2013). Loneliness, friendship, and well-being in adults with autism spectrum disorders. Autism. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361312474121

Enrichment Data:

Autistic individuals often face challenges in communication and social interaction when maintaining friendships, but there are several strategies that can help them cope and build strong relationships:

Social Skills Training: Techniques such as role-playing, modeling, and direct social skills training can be effective in helping autistic individuals develop essential social skills. These skills include starting conversations, taking turns, listening, and interpreting social cues[2].
Creating a Supportive Environment: Short, structured play sessions can prevent overwhelm and make interactions more manageable. This approach helps autistic individuals, especially those with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), to engage in social activities without feeling exhausted[3].
Using Technology: Utilizing short video calls or voice messages can help maintain connections without depleting social energy reserves. This can be particularly beneficial for maintaining friendships over long distances or during periods of high stress[1].
Peer-Mediated Interventions: Implementing strategies like peer-mediated interventions and group sessions can enhance social skills and foster meaningful connections. These interventions involve training peers to support and engage with autistic individuals in social settings[4].
Emotional Support and Understanding: It's crucial for friends and family to provide emotional support and understanding. This involves acknowledging and respecting the autistic individual's needs and differences, helping to bridge the "Double Empathy Problem"[5].

Challenges and Solutions

Autistic Masking: Some autistic individuals may "mask" their autistic traits to fit in, which can lead to anxiety and mental health issues. Encouraging authenticity and providing a supportive environment can help mitigate these challenges[5].
Challenging Behaviors: What may appear as "challenging behavior" could be a sign of unmet needs or difficulties in social interactions. Addressing these underlying issues through collaborative support can improve both social and academic engagement[5].

Overall, autistic individuals can maintain strong friendships by leveraging these strategies and receiving supportive environments that understand and accommodate their unique needs.

Struggles with mental health, particularly related to self-esteem, can occur due to intense friendships that may seem demanding, often due to the 'Too Intense' pattern in relationships.
The 'Masking Exhaustion' pattern, common among late-diagnosed autistic individuals, requires a shift towards authenticity rather than conforming, fostering healthier relationships.
The 'Honesty Backfire' pattern arises when honest feedback is perceived as harsh by neurotypical friends. Asking if feedback is desired before giving it, offering observations instead of judgments, and seeking feedback when asked can help.
The 'Sidelines' pattern, characterized by feeling excluded from groups, can be addressed by reaching out to a close group member, expressing feelings of overwhelm, and seeking help to feel more included.
If you find yourself withdrawing socially, establishing clear boundaries from the start of friendships, taking breaks to recharge, and opening conversations about social needs can help to maintain friendships and avoid misunderstandings.
Difficulties in interpreting subtle social cues lead to misreading signals and lost friendships. In this situation, creating clear communication channels through explicit clarification, seeking help from trusted friends, and being honest about difficulties can prevent losses and build healthier relationships.