Lifelong Labor for Happiness Neglected During Quick Decision-Making on Its Pursuit
Cranking away for what you crave isn't the crux of the matter. You're putting in the sweat already. The real conundrum is this: Will you also put in the effort to find the bliss you're already equipped to feel?
For years upon years, I grinded and gave it my all as an attorney, consistently working overtime and following the grindstone. I sacrificed slumber, weekends, inner peace, vacations, bonding with my kids, and even my first two marriages - all while overruling my intuition, which kept whispering to slow down and focus on the right things. I was so entangled in my pursuit of the degree, the title, the corner office, the external validation, and the distant carrot dangling the promise of relief, that I failed to realize that the relief would never arrive. Instead, I found myself in the throes of a nervous breakdown.
I reckon you can relate on some level. You know how hard you work, and no one disputes your effort. But have you ever stopped to ponder, "What if happiness isn't the prize at the finish line? What if it's a second I've yet to intentionally embrace?"
It appears that the majority of people will wage a tireless battle for something they believe will bring them delight, but they won't dedicate a single, purposeful minute to choosing joy in the present.
You're not most people, though. You're here because there's a spark in you that's attuned enough to feel the discord.
Let's delve into neuroscience for a smidgen, as it's the foundation for my work. Your brain is a marvel of pattern recognition, with a solitary purpose: to survive. One of its myriad goals is to conserve energy, and it does so by automating habits. And what habits does it try to form? Precisely the ones you sew into the system as important! Hustle, worry, procrastination - we construct a mental fortress around "I'll be happy when..." and strengthen it with each delayed gratification and future-focused hope.
Sadly, your brain doesn't give one flying fig about your wellbeing. It only cares about repetition. If you continue to entertain thoughts like "I'll feel good when I graduate, land that job, make partner, buy the house, lose weight, finally feel worthy," your brain latches onto those ideas. It deeply ingrains them, much like data becomes hardwired on a computer. It makes you a master at postponing joy and peace, to such a degree that you grow so accustomed to waiting that you forget how to simply exist.
But here's the rub: your brain doesn't care whether a pattern serves you or not. It doesn't even care if it's entirely counterproductive. It simply cares about repetition.
Are you still believing thoughts like, "I'll feel good when I finish law school, get the job, make partner, buy the house, lose weight, finally feel worthy"? If so, your brain believes it. It wirelessly installs it, thereby reinforcing your propensity to put off joy and peace. You become so conditioned to waiting that you forget how to just be.
Now, you might keep winning. You might keep hurrying, climbing, and accumulating accomplishments. And at times, it may still feel unsatisfying, because your happiness wasn't designed to be the trophy at the end of the race. It's a state of engagement, not an achievement.
I understand that this revelation may seem disheartening after all that you've achieved. I felt the same way when I realized it. I thought I was doing everything right, everything that I had been told to do to achieve success. But it never quite answered my itch. It doesn't imply that your ambition is wrong. It simply means it's time to adjust the equation.
I'd like to invite you to consider your burdens from a slightly different angle. Take a moment to question, "What makes me feel joyful" in the everyday unfolding of my life? How can I begin to practice it more in my daily routine, offsetting the notion of delaying happiness?
I'm not advocating that everything in your life needs to be perfect. There will be times when everything goes terribly awry! But you're acknowledging that your nervous system, your emotional baseline, and your overall wellbeing are not mere side projects. They are the foundation - for everything. Joy isn't a prize for toil. It's a skill.
And like every skill, it grows stronger with repetition. This could mean taking a stroll instead of idling all day, indulging in a delectable lunch away from your desk, or watching a bit of humor on a deliberate break. Your brain releases feel-good neurochemicals - dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin - when you hit a goal. But it also releases them when you feel relaxed, connected, and present. This means happiness is biologically accessible at any given moment. But only if you're willing to interrupt the pattern that says you have to earn it first.
Maybe you're fearful that choosing happiness now will make you soft. As relentless achievers, I know we thrive on hunger and ambition. But neuroscience tells us that positive emotional states improve problem-solving, resilience, and motivation. The irony is that opting for happiness doesn't make you any less driven. It makes you more effective. Imagine a well-rested runner - they don't slow down; they perform better.
One of the most rebellious things you can do in a culture that glorifies burnout is to choose to feel good before you've accomplished your goals. Look at your life and say, "I'm allowed to enjoy this now, while I'm still building, and even when I'm still figuring it out."
There is a version of you who already knows how to do that. That version of you isn't waiting for the external victory to feel the internal relief. That evolved, calm version of you is able to find satisfaction in this very moment because you have consistently practiced it.
You don't need a total overhaul of your life to meet that version of you. You just need to choose to spend a single minute differently. I'm talking about a minute devoid of any shoulds, or musts, or deadlines. A minute where your nervous system doesn't feel hijacked by your calendar. A minute where the voice in your head shifts from a drill sergeant to a soothing hum, without expectations.
What would that minute look like for you? Then, expand it into an hour.
Would you walk without your phone? Would you call someone who makes you laugh? Would you close at least half the tabs on your computer guilt-free? You might think you don't have the time. A mindset that feels as though time is scarce may intensify. But the reality is, you'll make time to labor for your future, won't you? So how can you possibly argue against making time to nurture the present? I'm not advocating for quitting your pursuit of the dream. I'm saying you don't have to sacrifice your sanity en route.
It's important to remember that the same part of your brain that clings to future outcomes is fully trainable. You can teach it to value the here and now. You can wire it to notice the things that create happiness in the present, that you may have overlooked when your eyes were only on the prize.
The question isn't whether you'll work hard for what you want. You already do. The genuine question is: Will you also work diligently, daily, for the bliss you're already capable of experiencing?
Tips for Intentionally Choosing Joy
- Embrace Micro-Acts of Kindness and Gratitude: Engage in small, daily acts of kindness and gratitude. This could involve sharing joyful moments with others or listing things you're thankful for. Research shows that a few minutes of these activities each day can improve emotional wellbeing, decrease stress, and enhance sleep quality[1][2].
- Practice Mindfulness and Meditation: Regular mindfulness meditation can alter your brain to increase happiness by fostering areas associated with compassion and self-awareness, while reducing stress-related areas[3][4]. Even taking a few deliberate breaths can reduce stress and enhance emotional control, serving as a grounding practice[4].
- Harness Neuroplasticity and Positive Psychology: Utilize neuroplasticity through mindfulness and meditation to help your brain focus more on positive experiences, which can lead to a happier life[4][5]. This involves understanding that your brain can change and adapt, allowing you to establish new habits and perspectives that foster joy[5].
- Personalize Your Joy-Boosting Activities: Craft your approach to what resonates best for you. Some may find joy in acts of kindness, while others may prefer expressing gratitude or participating in activities that bring them pleasure[4]. Experiment with different activities to identify what consistently elevates your mood and joy levels[4].
- Plan and Anticipate: Even planning a trip without taking it can boost happiness by offering something to look forward to[4]. Anticipation of positive experiences can enhance feelings of joy and excitement in daily life[4].
These suggestions can help you intentionally and effectively cultivate joy, as supported by neuroscience research.
Scientific evidence suggests that mental health, personal growth, health and wellness, workplace-wellness, education and self-development, and health benefits can be derived from intentionally choosing joy. Neuroscience indicates that the human brain is programmed to conserve energy and form habits based on what it deems important, and these habits often lead to procrastination and waiting for external validation. However, neuroscience also establishes that the brain can be trained to focus more on positive experiences, which can contribute to a more joyful life. To cultivate joy, practices like embracing micro-acts of kindness and gratitude, mindfulness and meditation, leveraging neuroplasticity and positive psychology, personalizing joy-boosting activities, and planning and anticipating positive experiences can be effective. By dedicating purposeful time to intentionally embracing joy, one can experience improved emotional wellbeing and overall quality of life.
